Single Black Female

Single Black Female 

Part 7

“I don’t want to have another baby” I said feeling guilty. I didn’t want to have another baby with a man who didn’t love me. I was already a single mother how could I make that same mistake again? I promised myself after I had my first son that I would get married before I had another child. Here I was five years later in the same messed up predicament I was in five years earlier. 

“It’s whatever you decide shorty. I going to support you anyway I can” Anthony said. 

“I just want to be alone now” I said.

I just needed Anthony to leave, and to let me plan my next steps. Anthony and I were messing with each other on and off for almost 2 years when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t love Anthony, and to be honest I didn’t even really like him. Anthony was something to help me pass the time when I was bored or horny. 

Once Anthony left I just laid in the bed in the dark alone for what seemed like forever contemplating my life. I kept thinking “should I have this baby?”

Finally I was tired of just sitting in the dark crying and feeling miserable. I grabbed my phone to scroll through social media. When I grabbed my phone I could see that it was 3:00am. I shared a meme that I saw online. Right after I clicked share my best friend Jasmine called me.

“Girl what are you doing up this late” she asked.

“I just can’t sleep.  I just been lying in bed all night” I responded.

“Girl the last time you couldn’t sleep like this you were pregnant” Jasmine said. 

I didn’t respond I just took a long pause. Jasmine is sis and she knows me like the back of my hand. 

“Please tell me it isn’t Ant Mo” Jasmine said before I could say a word. I still couldn’t find the right words to say.

“It isn’t Ant Mo” I responded. 

“Girl I said have fun not get pregnant. Damn sis. Ant Mo’s girlfriend is six months pregnant” she said.

“Six months” is all I was able to get out before the tears started. 

“Damn sis” Jasmine repeated. 

“This is too much. When did my life turn into a love and hip hop episode” I said. 

“What are you going to do?” she asked. 

“I don’t want to have another baby. Especially not like this again. I told myself that I would get married before I had another baby” I said.

“You almost died having my godson” my friend reminded me.

“I’ll die before I have an abortion” I said. 

“Sis don’t say what you won’t do” Jasmine replied.

I talked to Jasmine until the sun came up. We laughed and we cried, but we did not come up with a resolution. I was still pregnant with a baby that I didn’t want. Not to mention I was pregnant by a man who didn’t want me. I was pregnant by a man whose girlfriend was pregnant at the same time. I was just a hot ghetto mess. 

“I am keeping the baby” I texted Anthony. 

“I got you” he responded. Anthony never mentioned to me that he was about to be the father of ghetto twins. He never told me that his girlfriend was pregnant. I never asked or mentioned it either.

I was five weeks pregnant when I started bleeding, and having extreme pelvic pain. I was extremely nauseous and could barely stand up straight due to the pain. My cramps were so bad they almost felt like contractions. I called Anthony and he came to take me to the hospital. Once I got to the hospital the nurses rushed me to the back. 

I was in the back of the emergency room for 5 hours. I had several test and a transvaginal ultrasound done, and I was waiting on the results.  All I could do was cry, because I didn’t know what to expect. I just prayed and prayed that my baby would be ok. I was a survivor and I knew my child would be as well. Anthony never left my side the entire day. He went to the bathroom, and when he came back into the room I could tell that he had been crying. He tried to hide his tears, but I noticed his read and swollen eyes. Anthony really didn’t say much to me he just held my hands and rubbed my legs. There really wasn’t anything that Anthony could have said to me that would make me feel less guilty and vice versa. 

Finally a nurse and a doctor came back in the room. Once the doctor and nurse entered the room I knew nothing good was about to be said. The doctor advised me that my baby was growing inside of my fallopian tubes instead of my uterus. The doctor told me I was having an ectopic pregnancy, and that was why I was in so much pain. The doctor informed me that my child would never make it to full term, and if I didn’t terminate the pregnancy the baby and I would most likely not make it. 

I didn’t move physically. I just sat in the hospital bed and Anthony just held me as the doctor continued to speak. I was present in body, but my soul left. I was mentally in a dark place. I blamed myself. I contemplated abortion. I wasn’t ready to have a baby, and now I was being told that God granted my wish. I blamed myself for wishing death upon my unborn child. 

The doctor prescribe me to take Methotrexate a drug that stops the growth of the ectopic cells. The nurse gave me the injection. The nurse advised me that this injection would cause the same type of symptoms as a miscarriage. I took the injection and I hated myself for it. I hated that I had to make a selfish decision to end my pregnancy. I hated that I spoke my miscarriage into existence. Anthony and I stayed in the hospital overnight.

Once we left the hospital Anthony took me home. We didn’t speak the entire ride home. There was no words to say. Once we arrived to my apartment Anthony helped me walk inside of the apartment. He laid me in the bed, and then he turned to leave. 

“Thank you” I said. 

“I’m sorry Maya. You’re the strongest person I know. Let me know if you need anything” he said as he turned back to kiss me on my forehead. 

I appreciated Anthony for staying with me threw one of the hardest days of my entire life. However Anthony and I knew there wasn’t any chance that we could come back from all the events that unfolded. Losing our child was the last straw. I didn’t hate Anthony like I thought I would, but I never wanted to see him again in my life. I couldn’t look at Antony’s face without wondering what our child would look like. I couldn’t even hear his name without thinking that I could have given him his first junior. 

“Hey how are you feeling” my friend Jasmine asked me via text message. 

“I went to the clinic today. I’m not pregnant anymore” I said.

“I’m so sorry. I’ve had a few abortions and I think about that every day” Jasmine said. 

“How do you live with yourself every day?” I responded.

“It’s hard. I just know that I couldn’t take care of those children. I have 4 children already. It was hard, and I live with that every day, but I know I made the right decision. God knows my heart” she said.

“I love you. I’m tired I just want to lay down and be alone. I’ll call you tomorrow” I responded and ended the conversation. 

I never told my friend that I didn’t have an abortion. I never told her about losing my baby to ectopic pregnancy. I didn’t tell anyone how much losing my baby hurt me. I felt like I was less of a woman. I already had issues giving birth to my first child. My son and I almost didn’t make it due to pregnancy complications. 

I felt alone and I needed to be alone. There was nothing anyone could say that would help me heal from losing a child. My friend was right I would think about my child almost every day. Every day I wondered if my deceased would’ve become the president, a doctor, or even a teacher. 

I didn’t date for one year after I lost my baby. I did enough living and having fun. I needed to take time to myself to heal and move forward. 

Anthony and his girlfriend welcomed a beautiful healthy little girl into the world. 

End of Part 7

Please visit my blog JustJournee.com

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