Forgiveness

“Forgiveness is the best parting gift you can offer to those who hurt you, not revenge”

-Buky Ojelabi

Growing up I saw my mother work every day to support her family. My father worked, but not consistently my mother was the provider. After working several jobs my father became injured and was unable to work. My father stayed home, but he wasn’t a stay at home dad. He believed that men should not wash dishes because that was a women’s job. My father also did not believe men should eat off of plastic plates. So he could make dishes but because he was a man he couldn’t wash them. I always felt like a man that doesn’t work shouldn’t eat. My father’s misogynistic ideology didn’t sit well with me because I felt like he was choosing the rules that benefited him. I didn’t understand how a man with such misogynistic ideas could allow his wife to go to work every day and support the family while he sat homemaking up ridiculous rules.

The way I was raised turned me into a hardcore feminist. I could not stomach the thought of a man telling me what to do. I could not sacrifice myself to please a man. I could not become my mother. Honestly, I looked at my mother as a weak woman and I resented her. I could not understand how my mother could work one job for 20 years and subject herself to a man who in my opinion barely kept a job for over 6 months to a year. In my opinion, my mother didn’t value herself.

“I would not be working every day to bring home the bacon only to cook the bacon and then she have to wash the pan,” I said to myself.

I can do bad all by myself is my motto.

Recently I sat with my mother and I explained to her how I felt.

“Why would you stay for so long,” I asked my mother.

“Are you asking me why I would stay with your father” my mother answered.

“Father or not why would you go to work every day and leave your husband at home? I would have left. A man that doesn’t work should eat. Jay Z said “a man that doesn’t take care of his family can’t be rich,” I said.

“That’s not true there are plenty of rich men who do not take care of their families,” she said.

Instantly I became annoyed. I felt like she was trying to avoid my question, and I felt like I needed to know the answer.

“Why did you stay,” I asked again determined not to let her avoid my question.

“So you think I am dumb because I stayed. I had three kids to take care of and I needed to work. I worked and left my children with their father. I did what I had to do to take care of my kids” she responded.

Initially, I judged my mother for her response. I felt like she was saying that she stayed married because she needed a babysitter. She was okay with my father not pulling his weight because he was a built-in babysitter. I couldn’t respect her or her reasoning. I almost thought it was a pathetic excuse if I’m being honest.

“I am not staying with any man just so he can babysit his own kids,” I thought to myself.

However recently I have had a second opinion. I realized that I was unfairly judging my mother for the sacrifices she made for her children. She worked every day to make sure my siblings and myself had a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs. We didn’t live a luxurious lifestyle, but we lived. I never went hungry, and I always had something to wear. My mother was so much stronger than I realized.

My mother could have left my father and tried to live her life as a single independent woman with three kids, and then she would have to pay for child care. If my mother had to pay sitters or daycares she would not have been able to feed her children. If my mother sent us to daycare or paid for sitters she ran the risk of her sitter calling out at the last minute. If the sitter called out at the last minute then my mother would have to miss work. If my mother missed work then her children would not have food or clothes to wear.

I judged my father as well if I am going, to be honest. In my opinion, my father had an issue with drinking. He drank until the point of intoxication often, and I hated seeing him sloppy drunk. Sober my father is likable, but after a few drinks, he’s in my opinion intolerable. Growing up I always thought to myself how could my father be home drinking while his wife was out working long days. I couldn’t phantom how he could drink up the little bit of money my mother was bringing home. I couldn’t understand how my father wanted to be the man of the house while bringing nothing to the house.

My father was raised by his grandparents. From what I have been told during his adolescent years my father thought his grandparents were his biological parents. During his childhood, his “father” (grandfather) died leaving his “mother” (grandmother) to raise him. My father then found out during his preteen years that the woman he looked at as an older sister was, in fact, his mother. His biological father from what I have been told was never in the picture and never tried to reach out. My father’s biological mother (my grandmother) was a teenage mother who gave her son to her parents to raise because she was unable to raise him. My grandmother stated that she let her parents raise my father because they were the best parents to raise him.

I can’t imagine the hurt my father faced growing up. He grew up and realized his life was one big lie. Although my grandmother felt as though she did the best thing for my father by letting her parents raise him I can understand how my father felt unworthy. If your mother doesn’t love you who will? I’m not saying that my grandmother did not love her son, but I can see how my father may have felt that way. I can see how he felt abandon or pawned off. That’s a pain that I can’t imagine.

I can see how my father felt abandoned by his biological father. How does a man just give up his son his own flesh and blood and never look back? It doesn’t seem fair and it doesn’t seem right.

I realized my father never learned how to love. He was raised around lies and deception. My father has been searching for his whole life to feel whole. I understood why he drank to escape the reality of life. My father is a complex man who has been through his fair share of struggles, and I understood that I could not judge him. He loved his family to the best of his abilities.

Generational cruses have plagued my family for generations. My parents, grandparents, and great grandparents never went to therapy. They just swept their issues under the rug and proceeded to move on with life never healing their mental battle wounds. In order to heal the first step is to admit there is an issue. The second step and the most important step is to seek help for the issue.

It took me becoming a parent to really forgive and understand my parents. I understood that they did the best they could, and I love and respect them for that. I realized that there is no such thing as a perfect parent.

I realize that the only way I can be a good parent to my son is to end the generational curses that plagued my family. I have to acknowledge the pain. I cannot pass the hurt and pain down to my son.

I am taking the necessary steps to end the generational curses that have plagued my family. I am taking the steps to heal from the hurt and move forward. I am going to therapy and healing myself mentally so that I don’t damage my child. It’s my responsibility to not pass down anger, hurt and sadness to my son. It’s is my responsibility to be the best version of myself possible so that my son can grow up happy and healthy. I am the first generation in my family to seek therapy. I am the first generation in my family to openly talk about the pain we all face. The generational curses will be broken through me! 

I would advise anyone reading this who is angry with their parents to forgive their parents. I understand that forgiving is easier said than done, but it is necessary. Sometimes we have to forgive people who don’t ask for our forgiveness in order to heal. Healing your mind and your soul is way better than holding onto anger and hatred. Holding onto anger doesn’t do anything but carry on generational curses.

Make therapy normal… Make healing normal!


Please visit my blog JustJournee.com

28 thoughts on “Forgiveness

  1. Sometimes it is so hard to get past the things that happen to us as kids or the houses we are raised in. I hope that your whole family finds healing and peace together.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree. Life is short, so I’d always forgive my parents. However, if they did something terribly awful, I think it’s best to leave them out of your life. Sometimes you don’t need that toxicity. I’m grateful I have a good relationship with my parents.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree if they’ve done something awful it’s best that you stay away from them. I just think it’s best to forgive them and heal from the trauma. 💚

      Like

  3. I struggle with forgiveness. I want to forgive, but I also want bad people to get what’s coming for them. Is that bad? I guess at the end of the day you need to just move on and depend on Fate.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Our childhood experiences shape us into who we are. In my culture, people go for arranged marriages mostly. But since childhood, my motto was, either I marry by my wish or I don’t marry at all. My life, my rules. I fulfilled the promise to myself. My parents were against my choice. So I gave them 3 years window period to accept the guy I chose. They never found any faults with him. Their only problem was that they did not choose the guy. Anyways, at the end of three years I married him and did not invite my parents to our wedding. Now, its 3 years since we are married and my parents are trying to make an effort to accept.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for sharing this! Your bravery and your strength is admirable! I am glad you did things your way and I’m glad your parents are coming around now! 💚

      Like

  5. Wow, what an amazing and different way to approach something else (aka your dad’s lack of love from a father figure and thus his worldviews being the way it is). It is hard to forgive someone who, we see, has a negative worldview or just being problematic in our lives. But when we see them in another angle, which we should do, we try to forgive me if possible.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I agree, forgiveness isn’t something we ‘have to do’. it’s something we must do so as to have peace of mind

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree forgiveness is necessary to have peace of mind! You can forgive someone and walk away from them! 💚

      Like

  7. I really resonated with this! I don’t forgive easy so am working on this!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We are all a work in progress! 💚

      Like

  8. One thing I learned recently about forgiveness is that it helps you more than it does for the person that hurt you. When you walk around with that burden, you’ve actually given that person control over your life. Now I let go, and let God handle it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Let go and let God 🙌🏾🙌🏾

      Like

  9. I agree in that first quote really hit home! Thanks for sharing

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Michele @ ourredonkulouslife March 6, 2020 — 8:00 pm

    I am all for being the homemaker in my relationship, but my fiance knows I am not his B*&%$. He is a grown man who can cook and clean for himself. Regarding the forgiveness of my parents. It took me a long time to semi forgive my mother and she has passed. It took a lot of internal work that got me to the point where I am not angry when I think of her. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am glad that you are no longer angry with your mother. It’s hard work to forgive anyone who hurts us. It’s especially hard to forgive parents because they are supposed to protect us! 💚

      Like

  11. Forgiveness liberate us… Not them.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. amayszingblogs March 8, 2020 — 9:09 am

    I believe that forgiveness is not about the people who hurt you it’s all about you too. Holding grudges makes you feel cynical and that cannot help for you healing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree holding grudges only hurts you! Forgiveness is key! 💚

      Like

  13. Shelley from BeyondPennies.com March 8, 2020 — 8:27 pm

    I agree with this completely and believe that when you offer forgiveness, its for you. It doesn’t matter if the person accepts it or not, you can still forgive them in your heart and experience the healing that comes from letting go of your hurt and bitterness. I’m still working on this in my own life. Its a process.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We are all a work in progress! Thank you! 💚

      Like

  14. Forgiveness helps us heal ❤ It's more for us thing than for them. Lovely ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Healing from parental wounds is so important in order to bring completion with ourselves as well. I am humbled to read your honesty. You’ve written this with such vulnerability. Kudos to you! More power on your journey towards compassion for others (and yourself).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree healing from parental wounds is extremely important! Thank you! 💚

      Like

  16. What an honest and personal post! It sound like you have really spent time learning about yourself and options!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Keshia Richmond March 20, 2020 — 8:07 pm

    I can certainly identify with your feelings of judgment for your parents as I once judged mine pretty harshly. It seems as though your feelings and perceptions will evolve and you will have the life you always wanted.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can certainly identify with your feelings of judgment for your parents as I once judged mine pretty harshly. It seems as though your feelings and perceptions will evolve and you will have the life you always wanted.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. It took me so long to realize forgiveness isn’t weakness it’s actually strength.it takes a lot of work and strength to be able to fully forgive someone. Great article!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply to Lavern Moore Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this:
search previous next tag category expand menu location phone mail time cart zoom edit close