My Journee to Self Love


In 7th grade English my teacher gave out assigned seats. My assigned seat was in front of this young white male. He began throwing small balls of paper at me during class. I turned around to tell him to stop and he advised me to go back to Africa. Annoyed by his ignorance I quickly reminded him that America would be boring without black people. He laughed and agreed and made a snarky comment about black people being entertaining. I rolled my eyes and turned back around in my seat and he continued to throw paper at me. Finally after an hour I picked a few paper balls up and threw them back at him.

Our English teacher yelled at me and gave me dentition. I was flabbergasted. I couldn’t understand why the guy who I’ll call Liam could make racial comments and harass me all class, but I ended up with detention. The teacher told me if I didn’t react I wouldn’t have gotten into trouble, acknowledging that he knew what was going on but still chose to only punish me. The teacher also moved Liam from behind me to across from me to the very next row over.

After the my initial encounter with Liam I really disliked him. He annoyed every fiber of my being. The next day in English class Liam told me that he thought I was beautiful. Liam was confusing, but he was also the first male to tell me I was beautiful. I didn’t say thank you to Liam because I figured he was joking but a part of me oddly felt good. I felt happy that someone other than myself appreciated my beauty. Someone didn’t think I was the weird fat black girl.

From the first time he called me beautiful I started developing strange feelings for Liam. He was tall with blonde hair and blue eyes your typical all America boy. From the first time Liam called me beautiful he never stopped. He rubbed my arms and held my hands during class. I made sure to always wear a short sleeve shirt to English. Then one day he told me he loved me. I didn’t say it back because I was afraid to and I didn’t understand my feelings. Honestly I felt liked I loved Liam too but we were kids who knew nothing about love. I knew nothing about expressing myself or my feelings.

One day I dropped my pen and asked Liam to pick up the pen for me.

“Call me master” Liam said jokingly

One of our other white male classmates overheard Liam and advised him that his comment was too far. I was in complete shock. I couldn’t believe that Liam actually said that to me. I was so hurt and couldn’t believe I allowed myself to be apart of his slave fantasy. I felt so ashamed and so stupid. I left out the classroom and refused to come back. I did not care about the consequences.

The English teacher wrote me up and I was sentenced to a week of detention and a week of in school suspension at lunch. My parents also punished me by grounding me for a week and beating me. I felt so dumb the consequences didn’t matter to me I was numb and heartbroken.

After I healed from the beating, completed detention and in school suspension I was right back in English across from Liam. However I had nothing to say to him. He apologized profusely but I hated him.

Then one day a few weeks into me ignoring Liam like he never existed to me he stopped me in the hallway after lunch. He apologized again this time he looked me in the eyes. I felt like he was hurting and sincerely apologetic.

“Baby girl I’m sorry. I love you” he said and then he hugged me.

I melted in his arms and laid my head on his chest. The moment was perfect. I didn’t tell him I loved him but I did. I didn’t tell him I forgave him but I did. I loved him calling my baby girl. It made me feel special.

I didn’t think he was racist at the time I just thought he was a product of his environment. Living in a predominantly white area sometimes people used racial slurs or said racist things they would later apologize for and I was used to that. Honestly we were kids, and even at a young age I realized kids aren’t born racist or hateful. Kids are taught those behaviors. My parents would have died if they knew I was in love with a white guy. We were kids and I told myself he had to be taught that behavior. I didn’t blame him I blamed the word. I still blame the world.

That strange dynamic between us lasted all the way through high school. One day I thought he cared for me and the next day someone was telling me he said he would never date a black girl. I would be hurt or sad but I never stopped loving him. He was the first guy to make me feel beautiful.

Fast forward to present day I discussed Liam and the roll that he played in my young life with my therapist. I told her once again how Liam made me feel. She paused and said “let’s be clear Liam said some pretty awful hurtful racist things to you. Let’s acknowledge the toxic role he played in your life”.

I felt so dumb once again. I credited Liam with making me feel beautiful and helping me love myself. I never really acknowledged the toxic role Liam played in my life. I found that since Liam I continued to gravitate towards men who hurt me or men who are mean to me. I attracted men who were prone to anger. It’s almost like I think I deserve a man who in one breath will tell me I’m beautiful and god’s gift to the world, but in the next breath tell me I’m worthless.

I am a work in progress and I realize that I have to 100 percent love myself before I can expect anyone to love me. I realize my worth and I have made a promise to myself to heal from past traumas. I made a promise to myself to always know my worth and never settle for less. It’s so cliche but love isn’t supposed to hurt you or break you.



44 thoughts on “My Journee to Self Love

  1. Wow. Just wow. I’m shocked and flabbergasted. I can’t even believe that you went through this and I’m so sorry. It hurts me for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. What a great reminder! I love this list. I am so glad you were able to learn to love yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s hard to take action when we are kids, when we don’t know what is the wise thing to do. Liam was definitely giving you mixed signals and he should have been thought the difference between being nice and being cruel, also how words can hurt people.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Words can definitely hurt people! 💚

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  4. Not sure why but I wanted you to end up with Liam, but of course there’s more to that. I guess I was hoping that he would change in your story but you’re right—-we All deserve to be with someone who will love us wholeheartedly ♥️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw we were so young then…but I do wish him the best. Thank you for reading 💚

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Beautifully written. It’s unfortunate that the people who are supposed to have our back often don’t. You have to love yourself and have faith in who you are. Others opinions don’t matter if you are true to yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Wow, is all I can think to say. This post really pulled at my heart and I am so sorry you had to go through that. But I am grateful for you to tell your story and maybe more young women will see this and be able to recognize signs before they start. Thank you for sharing ❤ it was very strong and courageous of you, and I am glad you are learning to love yourself. As all should!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree we should all learn to truly love ourselves. Thank you for reading! 💚

      Like

  7. Truly living one self is hard. We are our own worse critics!! But learning to accept and know we are beautiful and deserve so much more than we think. We are all worthy!! We are all special. And we are all beautiful. I hope you find someone who appreciates you the way you should be!!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I am so sorry! I grew up in a predominantly white area and we DID NOT treat black people that way. He intentionally manipulated you. I have to say this article triggered me because I was married for 29 years to a man who did this to me. And he was tall, blonde hair blue eyes, all American, just like you describe Liam to be. Good for you for getting through this with your therapist and now being able to recognize toxic behaviors. Keep up with the self care. You’ve got this!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry that you had to deal with that for so long! I’m glad we both moved on from toxic situations! 💚

      Liked by 1 person

  9. A journey that I am lovingly and full of love! When there is love, everything is really possible, the possibilities increase a lot.

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  10. I’m sorry that you had to go through this and thank you for sharing as a reminder.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Your post is beautifully written and I also like the picture of the list you have at the bottom. I just can’t believe all the things you’ve had to endure. It’s not right and I’m so sorry about what happened. I’m grateful that you told your story, you’re a very strong woman. And reading this got me so emotional.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I can’t lie I was also hoping that you ended up with Liam. He was immature, but I wanted him to grow up. This was so well written and so open and honest. My heart ached for you

    Liked by 1 person

  13. That teacher sounds really shitty and shouldn’t be teaching in a class room if he pulls crap like that. I am sorry you went through all of that, but it sounds like you came out of it stronger. This was very well written, you made it feel like I was really there.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reading! 💚 and that teacher was let go a few years later.

      Like

  14. I am so sorry you had to endure this. It is inexcusable but it does not shock me that these things continue to happen. People are ignorant and it is passed from generation to generation. Hopefully one day it will change.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. That was difficult to read as I too had troubles with classmates, though definitely very different from yours. I’m so happy though with how you’re trying to improve loving yourself, as it’s something I also do my best to do for myself.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. What a story. It is true that we can be programmed into falling for the wrong people just because they make us feel beautiful inside. It causes us to build up a hard exterior to protect ourselves from more hurt.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. This is a good story. Enjoyed your prose and ability to put this out there.

    Like

  18. Michele @ ourredonkulouslife January 21, 2020 — 9:06 pm

    This is horrible! People can be terrible, especially kids when they don’t know. I can’t understand how people can treat another human being with complete disrespect. We all deserve more, more compassion, more acceptance, and especially more love. I am a firm believer in treating all with respect. Thank you for sharing. I am starting my own journey to self love, after many years of being told I am not good enough or being treated like trash. Very inspiring.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. You, Me and Benny January 22, 2020 — 1:06 am

    I remember people being mean to me in school and I always hated it – we are all works in progress I think!! Sometimes we need to love ourselves more than we do – I know I do!!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. More power to you and thanks for sharing and inspiring us to love ourselves.

    Like

  21. Neil Alvin Nicerio January 22, 2020 — 7:14 am

    Wow. This serves as a powerful reminder to all. I would share this with my pals.

    Like

  22. What a story! I hope you have now someone who loves you and don’t see anything else in you just a beauty. And yes it’s tru first we need to accept and love ourselves before someone will do it

    Liked by 1 person

  23. That was a very interesting story. Though the way Liam treated you was horrible, the story is very inspirational to teach people to love themselves.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. What a powerful story about how you found to love yourself after suffering from abuse from someone you thought you love.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. In this era, we forget to love ourselves which is really necessary in this selfish world. I always believe in self love

    Liked by 1 person

  26. I think I wanted you to meet up with Liam as adults. Not trying to make a love match or anything but both of you are now grown. I would be curious as to his current attitude. Did he learn and grow or regress into the attitudes that he showed that hurt you?

    I am sorry he was hurtful to you! and glad that you are talking it out with your therapist.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. It’s an amazing story. I appreciated your prose and your ability to publish this.

    Like

  28. Selflove is the most important love of all. How you see yourself is definitely how others will see you. The moment we start appreciating ourselves, others will start appreciating us too. Great post 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  29. It’s a lot easier said than done. It’s amazing when you start paying attention how much we degrade ourselves. I’m glad you were able to come to a place of self-love.

    Liked by 2 people

  30. Wow, just wow. What an amazing post! Truly disgusted by that Liam guy but I hope you will someday find a guy who appreciates you honestly.

    Liked by 1 person

  31. Hmmm. Liam was probably a product of a toxic family. His dad may have been treating his mum the same way. I read not long ago about a four year old who used to smack a girl in his class very hard. She’d cry, then he’d apologize and hug her. After consoling her, he’d lean back and repeat the process— a four year old!

    Good thing you’re starting to love yourself. You’re beginning to realize that you’re enough and that’s the way to go.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That story about the 4 year old is heartbreaking. Children should not have to witness such toxic behavior!

      Like

  32. This is a beautiful story. Not just because you felt beautiful (at times) but because you grew to learn this isn’t how you should be treated. I can’t help but think of my children. I hope my children are empathetic and kind, and never make someone feel badly like you did, and have the strength to walk away from that toxicity.

    Liked by 1 person

  33. Love doesn’t hurt, but people hurt us. I used to rely on other’s love in order to feel loved.

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  34. Reading this made me upset with Liam! The nerve of this boy but he learned that behavior from someone. I hope Liam is a changed person in 2020 from all those years ago. I’m also upset with the teacher, the school and your parents for not sticking up for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  35. YES YES YES! I love this! I always give myself a little extra love in the month of February thanks to Valentine’s Day. This was so powerful to read. Thank you for inspiring!

    Liked by 1 person

  36. Thank you for sharing. I think almost everyone can think back to a “Liam” in their own life…I know I can! I’m happy for you that you were able to move past your relationship with him, although it must have been difficult. And you’re so right, self love is the most important relationship of them all, I wish you nothing but the best!

    -Madi xo | http://www.everydaywithmadirae.com

    Liked by 1 person

  37. Love is a peculiar thing. And, so is self-love. I don’t feel you have to be 100% happy with who you are, to make something work with someone. It does help, but there is grace when you’re with the right people. Best of luck!

    Liked by 1 person

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