Unique

One of my earliest memories was from middle school. I had the biggest crush on a guy at my school. One day on my way to lunch one of my associates pointed me out to him and told him I was the girl who had a crush on him. 

“Ew her? That’s who you’re taking about. Oh, hell no she is the ugliest fattest girl in the school. Look at her big ass nose. She looks like a black ass Oompa Loompa” he said in front of the whole hallway of students. Some people laughed other people stared not knowing what to say. 

I knew what to say “Fuck You I don’t even like your ugly ass” I spat back bravely. However, my response was a complete facade.  I was hurt by his words, but I couldn’t let him know that. 

I developed a tuff exterior. I developed the ability to cry on the inside but put a brave face on the outside. Before anyone could hurt me, I would hurt them first. If anyone had something bad or negative to say towards me, I would have to say something equally mean or worst. If someone would call me fat, I would call their mother fat and ugly without the blink of an eye. I never went looking for fights or arguments but trust me I was prepared. It was such an immature defensive way to live. 

Then also in middle school I learned a close friend was my foe. I learned the girl I told all my secret to was the source of several rumors that were going around about me. I lost trust in everyone, and I never wanted to get close to anyone. I trusted no one, because the person I loved as a sister betrayed me. I became extremely introverted, and distrusting. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or make any friends. I stopped trying to make friends in the 90s. I trusted no one. I would walk into a room full of people and find my way to the back where I could be alone. Some felt like I was rude and anti-social. I didn’t care what they thought because I saw no reason to make new friends or talk to other people. Why would I open myself up to someone who would later betray me at the drop of a dime? 

So, from my early childhood experience I learned to be tuff fearless Janay. The Janay that didn’t really care what anyone thought about her. The Janay that would not allow anyone into her life, because of the fear of betrayal. I built a metaphorical protection wall around my spirit to avoid being hurt. However, I was still hurting because I never healed from the things that hurt me. 

In November 2019 my co-worker turned friend advised me she admired the fact I know who I am, and I don’t change to try and fit in with the crowd. She told me that she admired that I have my own thoughts and opinions and I’m not the kind of person that goes along with the crowd. She liked the fact that I don’t care if anyone likes me, I’m still going to wake up and be Janay every day. 

In December 2019 I went out with a childhood friend that I have known over 20 years. She advised me that she admired the fact that I stood firmly in my truth know. She said that she admired that I was always myself and I didn’t care what others thought about me. She told me that she felt like she could truly be herself when she was around me and I wouldn’t judge her. She advised me she appreciated me for accepting her, and she felt like she had to change who she was in order to fit in with others. 

2019 was a hard year for me, but it was the best year of my life for self-reflection. I sat out on a journey to truly find myself and to truly be the best version of myself that I could be. I wanted to be happy Janay, liked Janay, friendly outgoing Janay. I wanted to leave my introverted side in the past and truly break out of my shell. However, that would be easier said than done.

January 2020, I found myself crying on my therapist couch about not being accepted. I cried to her as I told her all the nice things my friends were saying about me. I cried because tuff, high self-esteem, not caring Janay was a façade I adapted so many years ago. I learned how to be tuff and how to appear unbothered while I cried on the inside. Its draining always being disliked for who I am, but I don’t know how to be anyone else. I don’t know how to be popular and I don’t know how to fit in. I don’t know how to go with status quo. I’m not an adaptable person I just am always Janay. People don’t like Janay and that is something I live with every day. 

After I cried my eyes out, I looked up and noticed my therapist in deep thought. 

“Janay you have been through some hard stuff, and you have made it. You should give yourself credit for pushing through and not breaking. I can see that you got very emotional, but I am pleased with your willingness to change. However, I also noticed that you used the word normal a lot. You said that you just want to be a normal person” my therapist said. 

Once my therapist said that I thought to myself yes, I need to change for myself, but I don’t need to be anyone else. I agreed to start an intensive therapy treatment. I also decided to accept myself for whole I am. I must accept the fact that I am different, and everyone will not like me. I am okay with that, and I love myself. My journey is still in progress and I am ok with that.
— 
Please visit my blog JustJournee.com

47 thoughts on “Unique

  1. Oh man, middler schoolers can be so mean. My daughter is in 7th grade and she tells me some stories that make my eyes go wide.

    I think everyone’s journey is always in progress. I know mine is!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree middle school probably was the hardest time. Thank you for reading 💚

      Like

  2. It took me a long time to realize that there is no normal. I like being unique

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m learning to love being unique 💚

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  3. I am sorry that you had such tough life lessons in middle school. I really wish there was a way to curb all of that craziness. I had a different experience in middle school, although mine was with a bully. I did the best I could to stand up to her and most of my other classmates instantly called her out on it. After that she left me alone. We grew up in a small town and were more like family in a lot of ways. I do wonder if that is why we didn’t have as much of the bullying and other trash that schools have.
    I don’t mind being unique. I hope that you are able to continue to embrace it! You’ve got this!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I’m learning to love myself everyday. I’m glad that you were able to stand up to your bully and your community was there to support you! 💚

      Liked by 1 person

  4. The definition of normal is not to differ from anyone else.
    I believe we should all believe in 6 impossible things before breakfast, just like Alice’s dad in Alice In Wonderland did.
    Being different is a gift and a burden so try to make it your gift! Hang on and thank you for sharing! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do agree being different is definitely a gift and a curse however I have to make the most of it. Thank you for reading 💚

      Like

  5. I think that all our insecurities start in school, and there should be more efforts to teach children the consequences of their actions. Also, teachers should notice behavioral changes in their students and help them throuh a counseling program.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree I think teachers should notice behaviors and there should be a counseling program to help children cope. 💚

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  6. I really struggle with this. I’m told I’m too loud and that I don’t know when to stop, that my laugh is weird, that I talk funny. And sometimes I want to not care but sometimes it HURTS. It’s amazing how much words can hurt.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree it’s crazy that’s words really do hurt. However we are strong women! Thank you for reading 💚

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  7. Ahhhh!!! Don’t remind me of mid school, i hated it! Mid-schoolers can be super mean…I learned late that different is amazing.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. it is those small experiences that shape our personality and make us better people! Wish we didn’t have to suffer. we should teach our children from a young age to be very careful to what they say and how they should react with their friends ! Thanks for sharing your personal experience !

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I make it my goal to teach my son to respect and be kind to his peers! It so important that we teach our kids not to be mean! Thank you for reading 💚

      Liked by 1 person

  9. like Sara...but with a d January 10, 2020 — 3:35 pm

    Middle school is the absolute worst. Having a best friend betray you like that is devastating too. I also have a hard time trusting people, I always think everyone has an ulterior motive. It does make you lonely at times.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree it definitely can be lonely. Therapy has helped me tremendously 💚

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  10. Kids can be so mean. It is good that you can reflect and see the areas where you want to get help. I agree that sometimes therapy is the best thing we can do for ourselves.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I would recommend everyone to therapy! 💚

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  11. Candace Hampton-Fudge January 10, 2020 — 7:25 pm

    I have never talked to anyone that had a positive experience in middle school. It’s such a crazy, awkward, hormonal time for everyone. I think that sometimes we put off the vibe of who we want to be, but we still don’t feel it on the outside. Be kind to yourself, you are awesome and you have persevered!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m learning that middle school is awkward for a lot of people! Thank you! 💚

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  12. Middle school suckedt!! I was so awkward. Glad you survived. You’re a great writer 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I was part of the awkward middle school crowd, too! 🙂 Thank you for having the courage to write about this. I will share this.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. It’s sad that you had to go through those experiences! But what progress for you to embrace your uniqueness and grow on your own personal journey!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Wow, that was the ugliest experience you had and that can break anyone great that you’ve move past it.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I’m so sorry people have hurt you, but good for you for bravely standing tall and being yourself. Lots of love for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Thanks for sharing your memory with us. I pray that 2020 is an amazing year for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I can relate to what you’ve been through. It’s actually what sent me on my little self-discovery Journey a few years ago. I’m still learning and growing I know I’m a lot stronger now than I pretended to be then!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. I can definitely relate. I used to always have a wall up and be ready to joke about myself before someone could make fun of me. I still have issues with feeling accepted, but we are all on our journeys – hopefully you get to a place that you can be happy!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Middle school kids can be so mean, I am glad everything worked out in the end. This was a well written post.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. You, Me and Benny January 14, 2020 — 4:17 pm

    Middle school was the worst!! Bullies everywhere – I hate that!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Middle school was rather annoying and sometimes painful! I feel lucky that my special needs daughter has not had a horrible time in middle school. I am glad you have made your decisions for you and not for anyone else.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Middle school years are one of the most difficult of all. Kids are changing and are confused. So sorry you were hurt but glad you stood up.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. I was a stand-out kid and not well-liked in middle school as being weird. But, there was a guy, who I went to middle school together and bullied me, who messaged me on FB a couple of years ago who said he bullied because he was jealous of how smart I was. I was shocked.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Jealous people are usually bullies. I’m glad he apologized years later

      Like

  25. Michele @ ourredonkulouslife January 15, 2020 — 6:35 pm

    I related to this post so much. The guy I liked made fun of me with his friends and it really hurt me. For a long time, I thought I was ugly and unloveable. Kids are just mean.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw I’m so sorry that you went through that! I’m making it my goal to raise my son to be positive and not a mean kid. I hate that so many people have such bad experiences in school because of bullies.

      Like

  26. I always say middle school can instantly prepare you for the real world because those kids will not have a filter and aim to hurt! My niece is in middle school now and getting a little hurt.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Glad you were able to overcome the haters from back in the day. Keep doing you!

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Middle school is hard. I’m glad that you have overcome all that now. I hope that you have a better future. Keep going

    Liked by 1 person

  29. Just be yourself! Try not to care what other people think. It gets easier to be like this as you get older. And remember you won’t be everyone’s cup of tea and that is ok!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Best advice ever! Thank you 💚

      Like

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