Last year I read an article about a young woman killed by her son’s father. Tonja Chadwick was a 20 year old mother, and aspiring nurse. She was shot in the head by her boyfriend wrapped in blankets and buried under a pile of leaves. Reading this story, and seeing it all over the news broke my heart. I just kept saying to myself Janay this could have been you. She was so young, so beautiful, and so full of life. Just knowing that she was killed by her son’s father, hit so close to home. Every article I read stated “the couple had a history of undocumented domestic violence incidents”.
As I read “the couple had a history of undocumented domestic violence incidents” over and over I found myself crying. I didn’t know Tonja, but I felt her pain, and I felt her family’s pain.
So many thoughts ran through my head like how could a man just kill the mother of his child and throw her out like yesterday’s garbage? Why wouldn’t she just leave him, or call the police I thought to myself. Then I thought back all the backlash I faced when I decided to leave my abusive son’s father, and realized it sometimes seems easier to stay and take the abuse then to leave and be judged.
The day after my son’s father was arrested for attacking me while I was pregnant I woke up exhausted. So many different thoughts ran through my head, and I didn’t know what to think. My child’s father was in jail and I feared for his safety. Jail is a horrible place, and in Baltimore it is even worst. I didn’t know if he would be beat, killed, or forced to join a gang. I didn’t know if he would kill himself and those thoughts scared me. I had to keep telling myself “Janay you did the right thing” over and over again. I kept reminding myself that Jhavier shouldn’t have put his hands on me, and he deserved to be in jail. I gave him chance after chance to get help, but he refused to do so, and I couldn’t let him continue to hit me. Especially not while I was pregnant.
The first person I talked to after Jhaiver went to jail was my grandmother. I thought she would be supportive, and proud of me for standing up for myself, but to my disappointment she wasn’t either. In fact she was harsh, and really broke my heart. She said “you shouldve just asked him to leave. You shouldn’t have invited the system into your home. Is that what you want your baby daddy in jail? Another black man locked in a cage like an animal?
“Do I want my baby daddy in jail? Yes I do” I said angrily before hanging up the phone abruptly. I didn’t have anything else to say to her at that moment. The little girl that loved her grandmother no matter died in that moment. I didn’t understand her logic. I love her, but until this day I don’t understand her logic.
The next person I talked to was Jhavier’s mother. She called me several times , but I wasn’t ready to talk so I ignore her. However I told myself I couldn’t ignore her forever, and decided to speak with her. I still regret ever answering the phone.
When I answered the phone I explained to her what happened the night before and why her son was sitting in a jail cell. I explained to her that I couldn’t deal with Jhavier and his violent outburst anymore. I told her that I know longer felt safe around Jhavier. To my surprise she was very understanding. She told me that Jhavier’s father used to do the same thing to her and that is why she had to leave him. She said he would also have violent outburst, hit her, hold her hostage, and cheat on her. She told me that I did the right thing, because I needed to protect my baby her grandson.
Sitting on the phone with his mother I believed her, and everything fell into perspective for me. Jhavier probably witnessed his father hitting his mother when he was a child. If a man is raised not to respect women by his own father of course he would grow up with issues. I felt sorry for his mother, because she has been through so much and she was still going through so much now with her son being in jail for hitting me.
Later during the day I went to my aunt’s house to break the news to the rest of my family. They were upset to say the least. I was heartbroken and embarrassed, so I didn’t stay long. I didn’t want to be around people. I went home and went straight to sleep.
The next morning I woke up to a text message that said “this shit is ridiculous” from Jhavier’s mother. I thought about replying to the message, but I didn’t. It was too early for the drama.
When I finally answered the phone Jhavier’s mother was livid. She was yelling about Jhaiver’s bail being 50,000 dollars, and accusing me of provoking Jhavier. She kept calling me all kinds of “little bitches”.
“If you would’ve done a better job of raising your son he wouldn’t be in this situation. It is not my fault you raised Ike Turner” I yelled back. Before I could get out another word she hung up the phone.
She texted saying “I don’t know what my son saw in you because you’re ugly, and that’s not my son’s baby”. I ignored her.
She texted again say “you deserved to get beat you sick disabled bitch. Go clean you house, and I hope you can afford your medicine”.
“Like mother like son” I thought to myself as I deleted and blocked Jhaiver’s mother.
Telling my friends and family about the volatile relationship Jhavier and I had was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I felt judged and embarrassed. I hated being looked at as a victim. I hated that me having chrons disease was even being brought up. I was a sick domestic violence victim and I hated it!
I can sympathize and empathize with anyone in a bad or violent relationship. I know that it is hard to leave and walk away, because it was hard for me. However regardless of the backlash abuse is not love, and no one should put up with abuse. Walk away don’t stay.
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Please visit my blog JustJournee.com
Very brave to share this. Wishing you the best.
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it can be so hard to leave but everyone deserves a chance at a good life
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Leaving must be the last option, have you tried asking any other ways to fix the situation?
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Your safety was important and you did what you had to. You or your baby may have been killed..
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Good for you for speaking up and saying something about your feelings of not feeling safe. This is beautifully written. Interesting story
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Thank you 💚
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Sending you all the love I have! I can’t imagine how hard this must have been to live through, and then you had the confidence to share this with the world so that someone else might have the confidence to walk away!? I am so humbled by your strength!
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Thank you 💚
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It can be so hard to leave a toxic relationship. I praise those who are able to do so!
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Domestic violence is not acceptable regardless if provoked or not. I’m sorry you didn’t have a good support system while you wear dealing with it. I am glad you had the strength to be done!
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Thank you 💚
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Beautiful and heartfelt. I left an abusive marriage and it took a lot of courage. Abuse of any kind is unacceptable. Thank you for being so honest and open. Great post.
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this is so hard to read, and reminds me we are hearing more and more news about this issue at least in Spain. It is getting very serious and worrying.
xx
lau
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Domestic violence laws need to be changed everywhere it seems. Thanks for reading 💚
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Sometimes watching news can bring back relatable memories. I had read your previous posts. It takes courage to share personal life like this. You did the right by crossing that phase.
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You have been enough brave to confront this hard and violent situation. Sending love to you!
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omg what a horrible experience this must have been but i would have done the same thing. Any form of abuse is not acceptable, period. Thank you for sharing.
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You did the right thing. Your safety and your sons safety come first. So sorry you have to go through this, but you are better off and strong for standing up for what you believe is right.
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Thank you 💚
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You are so strong to not only survive but to share your experience
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I’m glad you got out of that toxic relationship. I don’t understand why these “men” act like that. You should respect the mother of your child. And his mother was definitely out of line. But I guess you see where he gets it from. Great Article Btw. I think you would really love my website.
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This must have taken so much courage to share! Showing vulnerability is not always easy but that’s often how we can help other people in similar situations! It’s so sad to hear stories like Tonja Chadwick’s story.. and I am glad that you got out on time! I hope this helps other women in the same situation! And sending you all the love in the world! You are strong
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Thank you 💚
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As the quote from Eleanor Roosevelt says, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent..” Yes your grandma is a little bit harsh. You did the right thing.
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This is a very powerful article. I commend you for sharing this! You are very strong!
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Thank you 💚
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I truly hope that you are able to find a support system because you shouldn’t have to go through this alone. You did nothing wrong but protect yourself and your son. I wish you well and hope everything turns out for the better.
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Thank you 💚
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That is such a sad and scary story. I do think it is the worst when people turn out like that. there should be no room violence let along murder.
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It is scary some of the things these men will do to the mothers of their children. I am so sorry this happened to the lady, and I am so sorry you had to deal with it as well. I am glad you are out and safe though.
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thank you for having the courage to share your story with us. That must have been a frightening time for you, but you did the best thing possible.
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Thank you for sharing. I am humbled by your courage in both doing what is best for you and the baby, but also in speaking out. You never know who will read or be encouraged by your story. I will pray for you and your baby boy – that you are covered and remain safe. Wishing you both a loving and happy future!
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Thank you 💚
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This made me really sad. I don’t think anyone should be judging you if they didn’t experience walhat you went through stay strong and you will be fine.
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Thank you 💚
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Your articles are always informative so this is why I love them! This one is deep, thank you for sharing it 🙂 – Paolo
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virtual hug ❤ I am sorry that you had to go through it. you are brave 🙂 also, good woman for speaking out
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Thank you 💚
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Thank you for sharing your story and strength ❤️
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If change is imminent go for it
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It saddens me to hear or read stories like this… the nurturing aspect of where a person have lived his or her life (e.g. home) really has an impact on his or her perspective. There’s so much blame and anger in this story, and I felt the pain by just reading it. History may, in actuality, repeat itself if not taken care of.
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Recently I lost a friend she committed suicide an was in an abusive relationship. The only mistake she made was, she did not leave when she could. It has been only 2 weeks and her fiance is seeing someone else. I’ll just say, stay strong.
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I’m so sorry for your lost! I hate hearing about women loosing their losing their lives due to domestic violence! He’s an awful man! 💚
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Thank you for being brave enough to share your story! I hope you have a support system for you and your son. now. Stay strong and keep speaking your truth!
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Thank you💚
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I’m sorry that you have to go through that abused and be judged instead of being understood. No one deserves to be treated that way. You did the right thing, girl.
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What an awful thing to be through. You sharing will give someone hope who is struggling with people being unjust.
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Very brave of you to share this experience! Stay strong and safe!
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So brave of you to share this experience! Stay strong and safe!
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So brave of you to share this experience! Stay strong and safe!
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Thank you for having the courage to share your story. Your story will help many others in similar situations. You are brave and beautiful. This was very well written so open and honest. All women should read your blog!
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That’s so awful what your ex’s mom said to you. I don’t get that finally. I get supporting your child but supporting them beating or hurting another person… no.
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Heartfelt. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story!
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That’s so horrible you had to go through this without much familial support. Hope things are better for you now.
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